I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Found your dick twin last night
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
