I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
