the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
