I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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