It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
