You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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