im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
