i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
