Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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