I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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