he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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