my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
