yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
