if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
