It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
