you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
