This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
