4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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