there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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