Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
