"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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