I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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