fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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