My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
