Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
