shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
