i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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