and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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