My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
