Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
