don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You pole danced in your parka.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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