I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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