Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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