I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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