We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
