I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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