things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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