I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
