i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
