I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
