my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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