I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
