i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
