Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
