Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
