maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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