dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
