You smell like stripper and shame
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
