had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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