if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
